There’s Something Wrong

I hear this so much. It is the lament of the separate person, the ego, or the personality. No matter how clear and loving, or free we become, as long as we believe we are separate human beings, we will feel like there is something wrong. If we know what we truly are but are not living it, it will still feel like there is something wrong, and we will view the world through that lens.

The story around this feeling may get simpler and the feeling may get subtler, but there will be a sense of something not quite right deep inside, we will feel incomplete. This can be confusing when we have tasted the truth. If we have had moments of being the boundless emptiness, but re-identify with our human expression we are living as separate. Believing there is something wrong with our humanness, taking emotions and thoughts personally, is what causes identification. If we are free, we are free to be fully human.

When the sensation that there is something not quite right is very subtle it is even more important than ever to be honest with ourselves. There was a time when I pretended to myself that I no longer had this feeling, that I was fine with everything; I couldn’t admit that there was still a feeling of separation and not being right. I couldn’t look at it, or relax around it until I could admit that it was there.

Several years ago I had a few experiences that showed me what I am, I saw that I was nothing, and then I saw that I was everything. I went In and out of being this; each time I contracted into being separate some unresolved aspect of the personality triggered it. This happened around my marriage, then around my work as a psychotherapist, then around, teaching, and finally around finances and survival.

When most of this was processed, I was left with an underlying sense that there was still something wrong. One morning I woke with this feeling and realized that I was taking my emotions seriously, and trying to process everything I was feeling, like there was something wrong with it. I was also attaching meaning or understanding to the emotions.  Right then I stopped. The emotion was there, but it had no meaning. The sense that there was something wrong dissolved, it has come back a few times, but I did the same thing, and it dissolved even more quickly.

When it all releases there is no perspective, no lens, just life; and emotions, thoughts and physical sensations flow through without resistance. There is a feeling of well-being, but even that is not held.

Did I need to process through all the aspects of life I mentioned above? I suppose I did, since this is what happened. Will there be other triggers, other unresolved aspects of life to release, maybe. Does everyone have to do this? I don’t know I doubt it; most likely we all have our own journey.