When I Know What I Am

When I know what I am there is deep stillness and quiet. There may be thoughts, and emotions, but they are infused with silence. They are like echoes in the infinite, like the sound of a gong as it drifts into space Or like ripples on an immense deep ocean   I don’t forget any more, there is no longer any confusion, or doubt. There is just the shifting from background to foreground, to no ground. Sometimes the stillness takes over and infuses everything with its glow, Sometimes, it remains as an underlying quiet, like a secret lover waiting. Other times life is very loud and the silence is a soft voice that could be missed, but I don’t, because it is what I am.   It doesn’t matter what the thoughts say, or how strong the emotions get, they don’t fool me any more, I know they are innocent and don’t mean any harm. I can even play along with them, sometimes that feels right, and other times I ignore them until they dissolve like the imaginary phantoms they are. The silence is always there, it always has been, just now I know it is what I am.  ...

What Can I Control?

Life and death? The thoughts in my mind? The emotions in my heart? Who I love? If I get sick? When I fall asleep? When I wake up? Who dies next? Who’s born next? What I dream?   I thought I was in control When life went well I took credit for it When life was painful I felt guilty, or resentful How silly, if I created my life I created the lives of everyone around me I realized I was not in control, I was terrified I felt untethered, in free fall, cut loose, the world did not revolve around me I was not the creator   What is going on here? What am I? All is in constant motion and change And I am not in control of any of it Yet I am aware of all of it   What is aware of it all? It is not the mind, The mind is seen by me It is not the emotions I know about those as well What about this body It is aging and dying And I see this also   There is something unchanging Something immovable Something in which awareness itself resides All this appears within this boundless field   I must be this, there is nothing that sees this, All is known within this, yet can’t know this When I rest as this there is deep peace, Aliveness beyond all knowing Love fills the universe   All of creation comes from this As this mind, heart and body fall open To this boundless wonder I know this is what I am I am...

Who AM I

I didn’t create these thoughts I like some but would never choose others I didn’t create these emotions Some are enjoyable and others are unpleasant I didn’t create this body I would have done a better job   These thoughts appear and move on These emotions arise and dissolve This body was born and grows old with time   Are they mine, are they me Where do they come from? Who am I, What am I   These thoughts are creations thoughts They are life’s expression These emotions are the world’s emotions They are life’s response to itself This body is life’s body It is the flow of time   Who am I to judge them? To reject them To be ashamed of them To love them To believe in them   Just other thoughts that show up But some come with such suffering   Am I a thought? Who is thinking me? Feeling me Living me   Only the unchanging, emptiness Only the love that holds the universe Only the joy in which babies are born Only the peace that fills the suffering   To see through the mind To the infinite To see through the emotions To the boundless To see through the body To the spaciousness   This is the end of suffering The end of questions   This is Freedom Beyond what any words can say You are this – The Same One as Me      ...

There’s Something Wrong

I hear this so much. It is the lament of the separate person, the ego, or the personality. No matter how clear and loving, or free we become, as long as we believe we are separate human beings, we will feel like there is something wrong. If we know what we truly are but are not living it, it will still feel like there is something wrong, and we will view the world through that lens. The story around this feeling may get simpler and the feeling may get subtler, but there will be a sense of something not quite right deep inside, we will feel incomplete. This can be confusing when we have tasted the truth. If we have had moments of being the boundless emptiness, but re-identify with our human expression we are living as separate. Believing there is something wrong with our humanness, taking emotions and thoughts personally, is what causes identification. If we are free, we are free to be fully human. When the sensation that there is something not quite right is very subtle it is even more important than ever to be honest with ourselves. There was a time when I pretended to myself that I no longer had this feeling, that I was fine with everything; I couldn’t admit that there was still a feeling of separation and not being right. I couldn’t look at it, or relax around it until I could admit that it was there. Several years ago I had a few experiences that showed me what I am, I saw that I was nothing, and then I saw...

Letting go of beliefs

There is a distinction between beliefs, preferences, and thoughts. Thoughts flow through the mind unencumbered when we don’t resist them, they don’t disturb us, and they don’t leave a mark.We only resist them when we have a belief about them. Preferences are lightly held desires or opinions, they are released when they are satisfied, or put aside when they are unattainable, they don’t leave a residue. Beliefs come with tension, limitations, separation and suffering. We accept them as true; we justify them with other beliefs, and use them to distinguish ourselves from others. We build our identity with our beliefs, and then defend and protect it. Beliefs are sticky, and dense, and they do leave a mark.As I sit here my head feels open, thoughts are flowing, I hardly notice most of them, they are not sticking, the ones I write are released through my fingers, then they are gone. As I write about beliefs my attention begins looking through the mind, searching for something that feels more solid, dense, tight. I can’t find anything. This doesn’t mean that I won’t find more beliefs at another time, but for now the mind is empty. I know beliefs feel solid, dense and tight, because I have had so many, and have worked hard at releasing many of them, others I have watched dissolve, and others I only noticed in retrospect when they were gone.When I was younger I had the belief that I was not very smart. The result was that I pretended to be smart, and felt ashamed, self-conscious, and like a fraud. I had to get a PhD...

Thoughts About Emotions

We are raised in this culture with beliefs about certain emotions. The beliefs vary some from family to family; but there is general agreement that the goal is to feel good and happy as much as possible. This implies a sub-goal of not feeling negative emotions. Anger, fear, and sadness are generally banned from most families. What if this is not the goal, what if the goal is to feel all the emotions, or maybe there is no goal.  If we had no goal the emotions would just flow through undisturbed. They wouldn’t be resisted, judged, or denied. As a child I was fairly quiet, introspective,  sensitive, and somewhat moody. Which means that I felt a wide range of emotions. In my family anger and sadness were not allowed. I learned to keep sadness to myself, but anger would burst forth no matter how hard I tried to repress or deny it. I was judged so harshly just for being angry, that expressing anger carried a dark taboo. Since I couldn’t seem to get rid of it, I felt tremendous shame. It felt like anger had a life of its own. It was my fault that it was inside me, and it was my job to keep it from exposing itself; but I just couldn’t stop it from spurting out of my mouth. With much work on myself, psychologically and spiritually I began to accept anger as a natural expression. I learned to make room for it without judgment. Interestingly the more I relaxed around it, the more energy I had, and I began to feel less anger, as...